Category Archives: adoption book

A Real Mom

I haven’t written anything here for so long, but something irked me recently and I have something to say, and when a mom has something to say, she says it! So roll your eyes if you must, here it is.

I was perusing my Facebook news feed the other day, checking up on friends, reading various articles, when I stumbled upon this post posted by a well respected, well known online news publication.

A photo of three dogs with the caption: We’re adopted? OMG!!! You mean you’re not our real mom?

And underneath the post: Precisely why I’m not letting my pups know. What they don’t know, can’t hurt ’em.

Immediately I stopped. Now obviously it’s about dogs, great, I get it, and I know, it’s suppose to be funny, I should lighten up, but… those words, “You mean you’re not our real mom?” stuck with me all day: at the supermarket, the post office, the coffee shop; everywhere I went I saw infants strapped to their moms, young children skipping along next to their moms, teenagers slumped down in the front seats of cars next to their moms, adopted or not? I don’t know. I am sure some of them were and some of them weren’t but all of those moms sure looked real to me. I tried to talk myself out of my silly thoughts, perhaps I was overreacting, so I went home and reread the post, which by now had thousands of likes, hoping to see it through different eyes, and then I scrolled down and read the comments, here are a few:

“I never say, “adopted” in front of my fur babies because I know they understand English”

“I never say the “A” word.”

“Mine would never believe you if you told them I wasn’t their real mom.”

But you said that we’re your BABIES!!”

dogs

And then came another photo of a dog, that said, “I’m adopted??? OMG! You mean you’re not my real mom?”

Maybe I shouldn’t have read those comments by all those ignorant people, but I did and my blood began to boil. “I never say adopted”, “The A word.” “You mean you’re not my real mom?” Wow, I thought, how would my daughter or someone else’s child feel reading this? I had always promised myself I wouldn’t become one of those crazy, over the top, annoying, politically correct parents.  I believe that the world should strive to laugh more at itself; I don’t want to be one of those people that everyone has to be extra cautious around, and maybe four children back I would have been the one saying, “Oh calm down! It’s just a joke!” But life changes you, love changes you and I am not the person I use to be.

What does it mean to be “real?” Real means to be actual, genuine, valid, true, physical and tangible; something not imagined. I am my daughter’s real mom. I worry when she is sick, I laugh when she is silly, I hold my breath when I see her struggle, I get annoyed when she acts up, I cry when she is hurting and sometimes, as I watch her sleep, her hair a dark tangled mess, her eyelashes fluttering against her cheek, I have to take a deep breath, humbled by how fortunate I am to have this child in my life. These things are not imagined. These feelings occur with all of my children. I love each of them to my core, to the center of my soul, to the middle of my bones, whether they grew beneath them or not. I am a real mom to all of them and I am tired of people insinuating otherwise when it comes to adoption. Adoption is not the “A” word something to be hidden or ashamed of, adoption is something to be celebrated and we will celebrate because we are a REAL family. Real: actual, genuine, valid, true, physical and tangible; something not imagined.

And by the way, the dog joke…it’s not funny.

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Sweet Sand

Sweet SandIMG_1468

 

I went to the beach last week with my kids. After forcefully applying sunscreen to my two older boys they finally broke away and ran off, quickly gathering a group of kids for a wiffle ball game, while my five year old, Eliza, plopped herself down on the sand by the edge of the water and began digging.

Soon a stout little girl in a flowered bathing suit sidled up.

 

“Whatcha ya doing?” She asked.

“Building a mermaid castle,” my daughter replied. “Wanna help?”

“Sure.” The girl said, picking up a shovel, “I’m Ava.”

 

(Amazing: a bat and ball… a bucket of wet sand, apparently that’s all you need to spark a few friendships. We adults certainly have a lot to learn, or unlearn perhaps.)

 

The two little girls planted themselves not far from my chair and began to dig, chatting as they worked side by side: How old are you? Do you have a cat? How many teeth have you lost? Important stuff like that.

“My mom had a baby.” I heard Ava say as she flung a shovel full of sand into the air.

“Oh,” said my daughter, pouring a bucket of seawater into a hole.

“She’s my sister. Her name is Sophie. See?”

 

Ava pointed a few seats down to a woman sitting under a large umbrella with a baby sling wrapped protectively around her body.

 

“Do you remember being a baby?” Ava asked.

 

Eliza shook her head.

 

“Me neither,” said Ava, diligently digging. “But my mom said I was sweet.” She laughed, “She said that she ate a lot of sweets when I was growing in her tummy that’s why I came out so sweet. She’s so silly! What did you mom eat when you were in her tummy?”

 

I glanced up from my book, curious to hear my daughter’s reply.

 

Eliza shrugged, “I don’t know…Maybe mac and cheese?”

Both girls giggled.

 

The girls worked on, decorating their structure with broken shells and gathering some unsuspecting hermit crabs (excuse me, I mean mermaids) to occupy their castle but soon the tide began to creep in, the water splashing at the walls of sand until at last the mermaid castle crumbled. The girls shrieked as the shells swirled about on the beach and the freed crabs all quickly scurried away.

 

After a brief lemonade and snack break the girls recovered from their loss and happily skipped off to swim together in the ocean.

It was a good day.

 

Later that night back at the beach house after a dinner of charred hamburgers, a trip to the local ice cream shop, and an evening full of silly cartoons I laid down, exhausted, in bed next to Eliza, bits of sand scratching away at my legs and back. Blasted sand, I thought, always sneaking into the house no matter how much I insisted everyone rinse their feet with the hose, use the outdoor shower and leave their flip flops at the door. I tossed and turned trying to get comfortable.

 

Eliza rolled over, flinging her tanned arm across my chest and pushing her nose against mine.

 

“Mom,” she breathed. “What did you eat when I was in your tummy?

 

My heart dropped.

 

“On the beach,” she continued. “Ava said her mom ate a lot of sweet stuff when she was in her tummy and that’s why she’s so sweet. So… what did you eat?”

 

“Well…” I took a deep breath, giving a futile swipe at the sheets, trying to brush the irritating sand away, down, onto the floor. “You were never in my tummy remember? You grew in someone else’s tummy.”

 

“Oh, yeah…right.”

 

There was a long silence then as we lay there together in the bed listening to the soft whir of the overhead fan, little pieces of sand poking insistently at our legs, our backs. Invisible bits that never seemed to leave no matter how hard I tried to sweep them up and toss them away.

 

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“I think you ate a lot of sweets too.”

 

I held her close.

“Me too sweetie. Me too.”

 

 

Does She Know?

November is National Adoption month. 
Does She Know?
Last week I was at a function with my family when an older woman came over and asked about my children.  She knew one of my daughters is adopted and quietly whispered into my ear, “Does she know?”  I didn’t think she was being rude, just curious. She is from a different generation and culture than me. A time and place where children often weren’t told they were adopted, and parent were even encouraged not to tell, not to talk about it. Secrets.
 
I nodded and whispered back, “Yes, she does.” The old woman smiled and patted me on the shoulder, “It’s better that way, don’t you think?” Then she walked away.
Secrets…perhaps she has her own.
 
I sat there for a while after she left and looked at my young daughter, mulling over the question in my head, does she know?
Does she know?  Yes, she knows she’s adopted. She will tell you, if it comes up, “I am adopted.” We have conversations about adoption, have read a few books that explain what adoption is, and many nights as we lay together I tell her the story of how her dad and I flew far across the ocean, wrapped her up in a pink blanket and took her home to a big party of waiting siblings and excited relatives. But does she know? Does she truly know what it means, this word, adoption?
 
No. How could she know? She is young, and busy with more important things like trying to figure out how to cross the monkey bars and how to ride a bike and how to count to one hundred.  Her head is full of birthday cake and colorful crayons and soft lullabies, and that’s how it should be. She knows we love her, her siblings love her. She knows we wished for her on a star, she knows we flew high above the mountains and across the ocean to get her, she knows her uncle helped us, she knows her family far away and those close by helped us, she knows about the country she came from, what they eat, how they speak. She knows a word, adoption, but its all abstract to her. She doesn’t really know all of it.
She doesn’t know.
 
She doesn’t know about the never ending sorrow that must have filled a far away woman’s soul as her belly began to grow and stretch, making room for the mysterious little arms and legs that were budding deep inside.
She doesn’t know about the rivers of joy and sadness that flowed together in the woman’s heart every time the child inside of her moved and danced, a tiny foot sending ripples across tightly pulled skin.
She doesn’t know about the spirit of grief and loss that hovered like an unwelcomed messenger in the sticky summer air, warning the woman that as the dull pangs of labor grew longer, her time with her secret was growing shorter.
She doesn’t know about the millions of tears that were shed and the hundred of kisses of joy and sorrow and thanks and love that were showered upon her before the woman finally wrapped her in a blanket and handed her to another, saying goodbye.
 
So, does she know the word, adoption? Yes, but does she truly know what it means? 
No. 
It’s a hard truth, a harsh reality to take in, that love and pain can be so connected. So entwined. So when will my daughter truly know what adoption means? When will she finally learn, understand the whole truth of what this word means?
 
I think… when it is her turn.  Her turn to hold her own child, be it through the miracle of adoption or the magic of biology, then she will know. When it is her turn to gently kiss her child’s soft cheeks, gaze with awe into its sleepy eyes and breathe in all its sweet wonder, then she will know.  When it is her turn to wrap her child in a soft blanket and bring it home to meet its family, then she will know.  When her heart rises up and she cries a hundred tears of thanks and joy and sorrow and love then she will know… finally, truly know what this word, adoption means.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Man “Adopts” Girlfriend….argh!!

Wealthy Florida businessman “adopts” his long time girl friend….

Have you seen this news headline? I did, and I was horrified and disgusted and outraged (and many other adjectives!)! So I read further…it gets worse.  Apparently this extremely wealthy forty-eight year old Florida man (John Goodman) who was (allegedly) drunk, ran a stop sign, and plowed his car into a car driven by Scott Wilson, 23. Scott’s car was then pushed into a ravine and Mr. John Goodman drove away leaving this injured young man to slowly die; drowning, alone, hurt, and trapped, for over an hour.  Now, in order to save his many, many assets, John Goodman has “adopted” his forty two year old girlfriend (Heather Laruso). This adoption makes her one of his legal “children” and because she is over thirty-five, gives her the right to immediately access his money, for his use of course.

I am not a lawyer. I have no legal training what so ever, but I am a parent, a psychologist and most importantly a person with a heart (and I’d like to think a bit of a brain), and I find this whole legal maneuver pathetic and outrageous. What type of law (state, country) allows a forty eight year old man to “adopt” a forty two year old woman for his own personal gain?  What type of message does this “adoption” of John Goodman’s girlfriend send to our children and to the larger world of people out there that are not personally involved in adoption?

Adoption is not a joke or a game. It’s not some convenient legal maneuver to be thrown around. It certainly isn’t intended to be a way to salvage the material goods of people such as John Goodman and Heather Laruso.

So, what does the word adoption mean?

Adoption is about children and families, period.

You know that deep, bottomless, mysterious love you have for your child? The one that no words can touch, that you really can’t explain but you feel tingling through your core as you watch them try for a big swing in the baseball game, or sing loudly and very out of tune in the choir, or when you kiss the tippy top of their forehead and breathe in that sweet baby scent that never leaves? Well it’s the same love for those parents whose children happen to be adopted.

Words matter, they count.  The words we choose and how we use them define us as a people. They shape our beliefs, our culture and our country.  We can’t deny that what we say influences how we think and what we believe in.

Just ask people with disabilities, the gay community, minorities’ or kids on a playground…words matter.

And the word adoption matters. Adoption is love, it’s important.  (Please don’t tell me this man might love his girlfriend, I don’t belive it. He loves himself, and his money).  Adoption matters too much to let some idiot like this guy abuse it for his own personal gain, and when I see this word, this word with such a significant, out-of-this-world, magical, mystical meaning, being thrown around, mistreated and ridiculed by someone like John Goodman I am sickened.

Oh and Heather Laruso, woman up!  You’re his “child” now; you have a right to his money?  Take all that man’s money, donate it to the adoption organization of your choice and then get out.

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2012: Off And Running And Writing.

2012! Wow! How did that happen? Weren’t we all supposed to die about a million times already from some sort of apocalyptic disaster? I think there is one happening this year as well.  So this might just be it, the real end.  Better go live your dreams, make your wishes come true; eat that chocolate cake before we all explode into a million microbes.

I had a great 2011. I felt like I made some strides in my writing, and want to thank you all very every much for your votes in the various contests I entered. I truly appreciated all the support and encouragement.

These writing contests remind me of the races I subject myself to every few months.  I run and run and run, maybe limping a bit a long the way, then come home proudly clutching the medal that shows I did in fact pay the entry fee for the race and my kids jump around, asking, “So, did you win?” To which I inevitably reply something like, “No, but I was the 200th runner over the line!”  They stare at me, sadly shaking their heads and place a sympathetic hand on my shoulder saying, “That’s okay Mom.” Or, more likely,  “Wow, you stink.”

Look, I know going into these races I am not going to win but I love them. I am hooked. They challenge me, give me something to put my energy into and inspire me.  I see the true athletes out there and I am in awe. These people are good! They train year round, living and breathing this stuff. Me…not so much.  In many ways these races are a lot like the writing contests.  They provide me with a goal, urging me on, daring me to learn from my mistakes and to strive to become perhaps a just a little bit better.  Afterwards when I read over my material, see my glaring errors and then read other peoples entries and see their genius I think: That’s it!  I am done, no more writing for me… then I get just a sliver of good news.  Just enough to keep me going…like two great things that happened this past week.

One, I received news from Adoptive Families Magazine that my book, The Very Best Day, was the most read printable article of 2011. That felt great! (Not exactly sure what it means.  Aren’t they all printable?  But hey, take what you can!) Now I just need a publisher…

And, two, my book A is for Adoption was published last week in the January 2012 issue of Adoption Today. So all and all, a good end to 2011 and off to a running start in 2012.

I am placing a link to Adoption Today below, but I know some people have had trouble accessing it, so I will include a copy of A is for Adoption as well.

Now here is a quick disclaimer about the book. The book is narrated by a girl named Anna, which some people, including my own children, found a bit confusing given the makeup of my family (my oldest is named Anna).

Teddy: “Wait! Anna is adopted too?”

“No, Anna is not adopted. Eliza is adopted.”

Harry: “You never told us Anna is adopted!”

“Because she’s not.”

Teddy: “Am I adopted too?”

“No!”

Eliza (crying) “Wahh! I want to be adopted like Anna.

“You ARE adopted. Anna is NOT Adopted.”

Teddy: “Are you sure I’m not adopted?”

Challenges!

I hope you all have a good, healthy, and happy New Year.

http://www.bluetoad.com/publication/?i=95083&p=38

A Is For Adoption

A is for Anna, that’s me! What’s you name? When you see the first letter of your name in this book shout it out!  A is also for adoption. I’m adopted, are you? Adopted means your birth parents couldn’t care for you and your parents really, really wanted you so they made you a part of their family, forever.  Some people are adopted when they are babies and some when they are older. Some kids are in foster care first, and some aren’t.  How were you adopted? What’s your story?

B is for birthday.  I have a birthday party every year to celebrate the day I was born.  This year I want a chocolate cake with rainbow sprinkles and a HUGE piñata. B is also for birth parents, the man and woman that made you but couldn’t raise you. B is also for brother. I have three. They like to wrestle, look for worms and play baseball.  Sometimes they let me play with them, sometimes they don’t. Do you have any brothers? Do they live with you? Do they look for worms?

C is for cookie.  Everyone knows that!  C is also for caseworker, some people call them adoption workers or social workers.  A caseworker is the person who watches over kids before they are adopted and makes sure they get to the right family.

D is for Daddy. I love my dad. He takes me on bike rides, and buys me ice cream.  I also have a birth dad. I never met mine. Do you have a dad? What do you guys like to do together? Do you know your birth dad?

E is for eternity. Eternity means forever and ever, which is how long I am going to be a part of my family.

F is for Family.  My family has a mom and a dad and three brothers and a sister and two dogs and a turtle and some fish.  My friend Lizzy has two dads, one brother and a cat and Jay has a grandma and that’s it.  All families are different.  What is your family like?

G is for Gecko, which are the only lizards that make noise. They live where is it warm. They have nothing to do with adoption, unless… are you from a warm place? Did they have geckos there? I hope I get one for my birthday. That would be cool!

H is for Happiness.  Happiness is love, fun, friends and families…. oh, and Disney World, of course!

I is for I love you. That’s it.

J is for jumping, juggling and jogging.  J is a fun letter! J is also for Judge. A judge needs to say it is okay for your parents to adopt you. I had to go with my family to a judge when I was a baby. I saw a picture of us all in our dress up clothes.  The judge wore a black robe and was holding this hammer thing called a gavel. Everyone was smiling.  Some kids go to the court when they are older.  Do you remember going to see the judge?

K is for knowledge.  That’s a big word that means to know or learn stuff, like who you are, where you are from, what your adoption story is.

L is for life and learning and love.  My birth mom and birth dad gave me life, so I could breathe and eat and swim and run, so they are really special.  Learning is important because you need to learn about who you are, where you came from, and then there is learning in school like how to read and do math. Love is the best.  I love my mom and my dad and my brothers and sisters and friends and pets and teachers and cousins and grandparents and…whew! That’s a lot of love!

M is for Mom.  I love my mom; she plays with me and likes to read to me.  What do you like to do with your mom? I know there is another person out there who is my birth mom, but I didn’t know her. I am glad she had me though, or I wouldn’t be here! Do you know your birth mom?

N is for Naked mole rats. They are small rodents who live in underground colonies in Africa. They have large teeth that stick out that they use to dig. They have very little hair and have wrinkled pink or yellowish skin. They are really funny looking and have absolutely nothing to do with adoption, unless…are you from Africa? Maybe you have seen one?

O is for open.  Open means you can talk about anything and not be scared or embarrassed to ask questions about adoption.  Your parents might not always know the answer, but they will try to figure it out for you.  Open also means something you forgot to shut, like the refrigerator door and then your mom will yell, “Who left the door open!”

P is for parents.  I have two, a mom and a dad. How about you? Parents get to make the rules like say what you can eat and where you can go, and tell you to do your homework, and stuff like that.

Q is questions. I have a lot! Like who were my birth parents? Why couldn’t they keep me? What did they look like? Where are they now? Why did the dinosaurs become extinct? How do fireflies light up like that? Do you have questions?

R is for rainbow.  Rainbows are cool and have so many different colors, just like people.  Some families look like rainbows because there can be all kinds of colors in one family: brown hair, red hair, blue eyes, green eyes, brown skin, tan skin, light skin with freckles.  If you line up your family maybe you can make your own people rainbow.

S is for super, stupendous and special!  I am all those things, super, stupendous and special, oh and my mom says I am silly. S is also for sister. I have one older sister.  She likes to play softball, swim and shop for clothes.  Do you have any sisters?  Mine is awesome, even though she doesn’t like me touching her stuff.

T is for together. Adoption is about being together as a family.

U is for Ultrasaurus which was a huge, long-necked dinosaur.  Their bones have been discovered in both South Korea and the United States.  They don’t really have anything  to do with adoption either, well unless you are maybe from South Korea or the United States. Are you?  Wouldn’t you love to ride on an Ultrasaurus!

V is for valuable.  Valuable means something that is desired or wished for or important.  My parents say all kids are valuable.

W is for wish.  My parents had a wish and it was me! I have a wish, to go to Africa and see a naked mole rat in action.

X is for Xenops, which are birds that live in South America and again have nothing to do with adoption, unless you are from South America, then, I suppose it could have to do with your adoption story.  Are you from South America?

Y is for yes! Yes I am adopted! Yes I love my family! Yes I am valuable! Yes I was wished for! Yes I have questions! Yes I want to see a naked mole rat!

Z is for zillion. I have a zillion more places to go, things to do and questions to ask.  Oh, yes, and I love my family a zillion times through.

Anne Cavanaugh-Sawan, 2012

Telling the truth, the whole truth…….

Plane approaching ZRH

Image by Adnan Yahya via Flickr

Hey ! I am a guest blogger on adoption.com this week!  You can find my article there at

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/telling-the-truth

This is the piece I wrote…

Telling The Truth:

It was a beautiful day yesterday. A treasure to enjoy before the cold weather sets in.  Early fall, the sun was shining, the leaves just starting to turn orange, red and yellow.  We ran around as a family; cleaning the garage, cheering at soccer games, friends stopped by, the boys looked for frogs and played wiffle ball in the backyard. In the afternoon, my husband piled as many boys as he could fit in his car and took them out to lunch. I took Eliza, my four year old in my car. She wanted McDonalds (sorry health nuts), or Old McDonalds, as she calls it, so we went to get her Happy Meal, and I got the requisite boring mom salad.  We whipped through the drive thru and brought our lunch home to enjoy outside on the porch.

The house was momentarily still, as the boys were away and it was just my daughter and I enjoying our picnic.  We sat outside munching away, the leaves falling around us, and high above a plane flew quietly overhead.

“Look, Eliza a plane,” I said.

Planes play a significant, symbolic role in our little lives. At bedtime, I often tell Eliza a short story of her adoption. She will whisper to me, “Tell me the baby Eliza story.” And I will whisper back in the dark about the baby that needed a family, and the family that needed a baby. About how her dad and I got on a plane that flew high across the ocean to get her. We wrapped her in a soft, pink blanket and took turns holding her the whole way back on the plane.  When we got home, there was a big party for everyone to meet her, and her brothers and sister had made a beautiful Welcome Home sign that spread across the whole front porch.

It’s a soothing ritual and a way for her to always know a piece of her story. Just a piece.  I have never ventured far outside of the story. I have never explained what “adoption” means. It is just a word she knows.  It has been enough, for now.

But as we sat out there on the porch, looking at the blue sky and the plane sailing smoothly across, I thought, I should start telling her now.  So she will always know.  Not just that adoption means love forever, but the nitty-gritty physical part of the adoption; that another woman gave birth to her, that she was not created in my body, as her siblings were, but that another mom and dad created her…that whole piece I have left out.  I felt like I should introduce the concept soon, she is almost school age, she sees other women who are pregnant and is starting to ask, ”Why is her tummy so big?” Soon she will say, “I was in your tummy too once, right?” With my biological kids it was easy, “Yes you were! I remember you kicking me!” But now….what do I say?

It’s easy to tell her a bedtime story about a plane and wrapping her in a blanket of love…it’s not so easy to look beyond that. So, I thought I will tell her gently, slowly and we can talk about it in pieces, as kids thankfully do. I want her to always know so it is never a surprise, just a natural part of who she is…but I guess I also want her to know to make it easier for me.  So she doesn’t turn to me in public and say, “ I was in your tummy too, right?” So we can have our own discussions, on our own terms and then she can say just as proudly as any child, “I was born in someone else’s tummy and in my mom’s heart! ”

So on a splendid fall day, in a moment of quiet and sharing, I thought, “Here I go.”

“You know what?” I said, cheerfully.

She turned and looked at me. A chicken nugget in one hand. Her eyes big and brown, her long hair tousled, her sparkly shoes always on the wrong feet, glimmering in the sun.

“What mom?”

And in a sudden unexpected rush, I felt my throat close. Tears appeared out of nowhere. I couldn’t say it. I choked.  Because the truth is, I want her to be from my tummy. I want to be the one that felt her kick. That pushed her out into her dad’s waiting arms. I want to avoid the questions that will surely come, the possible pain she may have. I don’t ever want her to ever feel “less than” or unwanted. She is so not that.

“That plane sure is beautiful,” I said.

“Yeah!” she said. “I came on a plane, and you and daddy!”

“We sure did,” I said. “Come on, want me to push you on the swing?”

Anne Cavanaugh-Sawan

agsawan.wordpress.com

You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them. ~Desmond Tutu

The Flower Garden

 

Flower Garden: An Arabic Adoption Folktale

Yippee!! Adoption Today Magazine published my short folktale, The Flower Garden, in their September issue which has just been released.  You can read it here below, or go to their website, http://www.adoptinfo.net/catalog_g111.html?catId=55347. (It looks like you may need a subscription to read it there.)

“A folktale is a type of traditional story that tries to explain or understand the world. Such stories were orally passed down through the generations and feature morals or lessons. The stories usually take place long ago in a faraway place and are woven around talking animals, royalty, peasants, or mythical creatures. In a folktale, goodness is always rewarded. Heroes and heroines live happily ever after while villains are suitably punished. Throughout the generations, the story may change but its core remains the same. They mirror the values and culture of the society from which they originated. “(http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-folktale.)
I mentioned before I love to read, and I read almost anything I can get my hands on. When I was little I would spend hours squirreled away in the corner of the library, pulling books off of the shelves and reading. I read all genres: mystery, humor, fiction, historical fiction, fantasy, biographies… not too much science fiction, but that’s just me.  I read the Bobbsey Twins, Nancy Drew, Amelia Bedelia, Mrs. Piggle Wiggle, books by Lois Lenski and Beverly Cleary, and the scandalous Judy Blume, (which were shelved by themselves way up high on a shelf. I would have to sneak to read those!). I especially loved reading about places that seemed far away and mysterious. I loved reading the true stores of Brothers Grimm, the Blue Fairy Tale Books; and the scary Russsian tales of Baba Yaga with her house on chicken legs kept me awake for many nights. Funny to think that one of my favorite books was a wonderful, illustrated multi volume of the Children’s Bible. I can still see them all, taking up a whole row on the bookshelf, bright blue and white binding. I wasn’t so much interested in the religion part but found the stories contained within those pages magical, fascinating and frightening.

After my youngest daughter was home for a bit, I began to think about different ways to tell her about her life story, her adoption story. There are many ways to tell people things; the good old straight away, and the metaphorical.  Sometimes we may have to be told things in a few different ways before we can really grasp the meaning or importance behind it.

I think many of us have forgotten about the power of fairy tales and fables.  The joy of reading something that is told through symbols,and the inner work that it takes to sometimes decipher the messages embedded within.  Kids get this stuff, it seeps into their brains and they work it out little by little. That’s the magic.  The meanings may not hit you over the head, but seem to pop up over time here and there.

When we were in the Middle East, (and even at home a few times), people sometimes asked us if we were going to tell our daughter that she was adopted. I was so surprised at this question. “Of course we will tell her!” I thought, ‘What a strange thing to ask.” (See my previous post, Letter to My Daughter’s Birth Mother, to see the sometimes-bumpy road that thought has had).  One day my husband said to someone who had asked, “Yes, as a matter of fact, I told her last night. So now she knows. Phew! Glad we got that out of the way”

I laughed. Our daughter was only ten weeks old, and he had sat with her in the rocking chair the previous night, singing and talking to her. I guess among the things he spoke to her about was her story: us finding her, her finding us. So there it was, out in the open, now she knew. She is adopted. We love her. End of story.  (Not really, of course this will be an ongoing story, but I love his directness.)

The Flower Garden grew out of all of this; my love of books, my love of other cultures, my love for my daughter. I would like my child to have a story about her life that is a bit magical. (Wouldn’t we all love to have a story written about us?) One that incorporates her culture, her history and the wonderful land she is from.

So, here it is my short folktale for my daughter, and for all the children and families in the Middle East who have been touched by both the loss and love of adoption.

The Flower Garden

In a far away land of love and sorrow, strength and hardship there lived a kind young farmer. He was very handsome with eyes the deep color of evergreen and arms as thick and strong as the magnificent cedar trees that covered the hilltops. Over time the young farmer fell in love with a maiden from a nearby village. The maiden was beautiful with long shiny black hair; red lips and the most lovely heart-shaped face that all the villagers said reflected the great love in her heart. Together the young couple worked hard, harvesting their land, growing wheat and olives, and tending to their animals. They were happy, but more than anything the maiden longed for a small flower garden, for it seemed with all their hard work, there was never enough time for she and the farmer to just sit together and watch the gentle sunrise in the morning and the brilliant stars at night.

One spring day the maiden awoke. It was soon to be the anniversary of the day she and her love had first met and she had been working for many months on a small gift to give him. She had gathered the wool from only the finest sheep, combing it over and over until it was soft and light, and then spinning it endlessly on the wheel. She spent many nights bent over her loom making the cloth she needed and finally walked to the market to sell fresh eggs, greens from the garden and her special, delicious honey cakes. Using the money she earned from her wares she bought all the goods she needed for the farm, and then using a bit of the extra money from her cakes, she bought some delicate, golden thread. That night she picked up her needle and using the gold thread set about putting the final details of embroidery on the cloth.

The day of the anniversary she and the farmer went about their usual chores feeding the animals, tending to the crops, and raking out the barn. By midday they were tired and hungry so the maiden gathered some olives and cheese for lunch and using figs, sugar and flour made a special pastry. After they ate, the maiden took out the magnificent cape she had made and wrapped it around the farmer’s broad shoulders.

“For you,” she said. “So you can stay warm, and think of me while you work in the fields.”

The farmer smiled, saying, “I do not need any reminder of you, for you are always in my heart, but I will wear this robe proudly.”

He then took out his hand; in it was a small piece of folded cloth.

“I am sorry my gift is not as grand,” he said.

The maiden carefully unwrapped the cloth and there inside sat a single, tiny, flower seed. The farmer told the maiden that it was time for them to have a flower garden, where they could sit together in the morning and again at night, and he was certain that the blossoms in the garden were going to be as beautiful as she.

The maiden promised the farmer that she would give the plant all her love every day, and she was certain that the flowers would not only be beautiful but also have vines as strong as the cedars on the hills and as green as his own eyes, for it would take the love of both of them to make it grow.

Together they dug a small hole in the dirt, near the corner of the house where the sun rose, whispered their love into the ground and gently covered over the seed.

Every morning the maiden woke up, watered and cared for the seed. She would sing and talk to the little flower she knew was growing below, and as she waited she imagined the beautiful flower garden she and the farmer would someday share.

But as often happens, these things were not to be, for one day the farmer was working in the olive grove when the trees started to blow and the leaves began to dip in and out in a dangerous dance. The farmer looked to the distance and saw a dark, whirling cloud of thick, black smoke racing towards him. Quickly he got on his horse and rode towards the house thinking only of his love. He knew just where she would be, at the corner of their house tending to their dreams.

“Quickly, quickly,” he shouted, “We must go. Danger is coming!”

The maiden’s eyes opened wide in fear and she trembled as she leapt onto the back of the horse.

“Wait, wait! Our garden, our dreams!” she cried as they started to ride away.

The farmer stopped, the clouds above their heads were turning a cold, grey color and he knew they couldn’t stay much longer. There was no time to dig up the precious flower. Taking off his cape he leaned down and draped it gently over the little mound of dirt.

“Be safe little one,” he whispered before turning and galloping away.

The storm rolled in, dark and fierce, destroying everything in it path; tearing down the valley, tossing aside the mighty cedar trees, and destroying all of the hard-earned crops. It raged on for days, determined to wipe out all that it touched, but somehow, quietly, beneath the safety of the farmer’s cape and protected by the maiden’s whispered love, the small plant grew.

A while later a man and his wife from the city, who had heard about the deadly storm, decided to go to the countryside and see if they could offer some assistance to those who lived there. They knew all about sadness and lost, having experienced much of their own, and as they walked through the abandoned village and devastated farmlands the woman’s shoulder sagged. She couldn’t help but think about all of the families that were lost, and the hopes and dreams that had been destroyed. Suddenly her foot caught on something and she stumbled forward. There on the ground was a ripped and tattered cape, its gold thread shining ever so slightly through the thick layer of dust that covered it. The woman lifted the cape and there beneath it, protected from the devastation, was a tiny, flower shoot just beginning to show one folded red bud at the very top.

Her husband took out his knife and carefully dug up the plant. Wrapping it in the dusty cape, he handed it to his wife, and she cradled it gently to her chest.

They carried the tiny flower home to their small apartment in the city, and there the women planted it in a simple clay pot. Every day she would water and tend to the plant, moving it about from window to window to make sure it had just the right amount of sunshine. She had always wanted a small flower garden of her own, where she and her husband could sit together in the morning as the sun rose and watch the stars twinkling at night, but living in the crowded, busy city gave them no room and little time for such a place. Still the woman had dreamed and wished and hoped, and now she was filled with happiness at the thought of even one small flower. She sang and laughed as she took care of the plant, and waited patiently for the beautiful flower she knew would emerge one day. And then one day the plant started to grow.

The vines of the plant were green, strong and thick, and each flower that bloomed was bright red, and shaped like a perfect heart. As each blossom opened the sweetest perfume burst forth filling the tiny apartment with a lovely fragrance.

The vines grew quickly, racing up the walls, and in and out of the curtains, covering the apartment from top to bottom in beautiful petals. Finally, when there was no place left to go inside, the plant began to climb out the window. It stretched outside, trailing down to the ground encasing the sides of the grey cement high-rise with a thick blanket of rich red. The vines then ran back up to the roof, winding around and around an old abandoned trellis and creating an amazing flowery canopy. Almost overnight the once empty city rooftop was transformed into a magical garden, full of life, color, and sweet perfume, where the couple could sit together in the early morning and watch the stars shining at night.

Soon word of the splendid roof garden spread all across the land and people came to see the beautiful, red heart-shaped flowers. Suddenly there were wonderful children’s parties in the roof garden; splendid weddings, and magical dances with jeweled ladies in glimmering silk gowns and handsome men in colorful robes. Musicians would come to play their instruments under the hanging flowers, the mystical beat of the drums and flickering chimes of their tambourines mixing with the heavenly fragrance of the many blossoms. The sounds and scents drifted away, over the shiny minarets and past the golden domes of the city to the broken countryside, and into the window of one small cottage.

The roof garden was such a busy place full of life and love, and the husband and wife’s hearts were filled with joy, but sometimes, after the guests had all left and it was just the two of them, they would sit and talk, and wonder about the people who first planted the flower and saved it from certain ruin.

One morning as the city was first waking, the woman and her husband stood in their flower filled kitchen preparing their morning tea, when something caught their eye. A young couple was standing together under the flowers. It was too early in the day for a wedding or a celebration of any kind, and the woman wondered what they were doing there. Her husband watched them through the window for a bit, and then he slowly turned. Opening a cupboard, he took down the old, dusty cape he had stored away a long time ago. He rubbed his hand slowly along the soft cloth until the gold thread began to shine through.

“It is time,” he said, gently taking his wife’s hand.

The couple in the garden turned as they approached and the woman saw the man’s face for the first time. It was strong and handsome with the deepest, greenest eyes she had ever seen. The young maiden by his side had her hair covered with a modest cloth, but it could not hide the lovely heart-shaped face or the beautiful red lips, the same color as the many flowers that now hung over her head.

“Excuse us,” said the farmer, bowing his head just a bit. “We have travelled far. We heard the music at night… it floated in our windows, filling our ears with the sounds of love, and the beautiful aroma of the flowers filled our dreams so we couldn’t sleep. We had to come.”

The woman’s legs shook with fear and her heart raced. She sank down on a nearby bench as terror flooded her heart; she knew it was them. They had come to take her precious flower away.

And then the young maiden began to cry.

“It is so beautiful,” she said. “So much more than I ever dreamed…”

She sat down on the bench next to the woman. A tear fell from her eye and slipped to the hard concrete floor of the rooftop, and then another and another.

“There was no time. No time,” she sobbed, holding her head in her hands.

The woman leaned over and gently took the young maiden in her arms.

“The dream began with you,” she said, “ Without you, there would be no flower garden here. No music, no magical parties with laughing children and grand dances. It would be just another empty city roof top.”

Their tears fell together.

The husband took the faded cape from his arms and held it out to the farmer.

“I believe this is yours,” he said.

The farmer swallowed hard and nodded, “Yes, I thought it might…”

The husband smiled and nodded, “It worked,” he said. “You saved it, see?”

He gestured towards the glorious garden and as he did the most wondrous thing began to happen. A small vine began to push itself up from the harsh concrete where the women’s tears had fallen. It grew quickly, stretching upwards, wrapped around the bench, and slowly twisted and turned, gently enveloping the two women in its branches, stopping only as a single red flower started to bloom. The beautiful flower slowly unfurled to reveal inside a very small bird.

The bird’s feathers were a shiny deep black mixed with bright red streaks, and a single thread of gold ran straight through the center of each majestic plume. The tiny creature looked at the couples with large, green eyes, and although small her eyes reflected a great inner strength. The bird raised her gracious head into the air, puffed up her chest, and opening her beak sang out a breathtaking melody. A beautiful song without words that told a story of hardship and strength, sorrow and love. Then spreading her magnificent wings, she flew away into the sky.

The two couples stayed for many days and nights surrounded by their magical flower garden. Together they watched the gentle sunrise and later the pink sunset, and always the marvelous, magical bird was there soaring over the dusty rooftops, and among the brilliant stars, singing her song for the whole city to hear… and there was plenty of time. Plenty of time.

The Personal Becomes The Political


Okay, soooo the other day I was a small petting zoo with my kids. The kids were having a fantastic time petting the baby goats when a little friend came over to where Eliza and I were standing. She is very excited, grabs Eliza’s hand and says, “Do you know you can adopt a baby goat here!”

Eliza looked up at me with her big brown eyes and said, proudly,  “I adopted too, right mommy? Like a baby goat!”

I smiled…and my heart sank just a bit. (No actually, not like a goat at all.)

She and her friend laughed, and off they skipped to see if they could find out more about adopting a goat.

I was left wondering how long would she laugh at this? Being adopted like a farm animal…Maybe always, maybe not….

“It’s only a word for God Sake!” I can hear it now.  That would have been me a few years back as well.

I always promised myself I wouldn’t become one of those crazy, over the top, annoying, politically correct parents.  I think we should all laugh more, not take others or ourselves too seriously. Life is funny, people are strange. Who cares if someone says adopt a pet, a goat, a dog? Really? What does it matter? Oh boy, I guess it now matters to me.

The personal becomes the political.

My child is not a pet or a zoo animal.  “Adopting” a goat or a dog (and I know there are dog lovers out there) is not the same. When did society switch from saying, “help us sponsor a goat” or “Come and get a pet from the shelter today? Is everything in the world worthy of the word adoption? Did we actually think we were insulting the animals to use the words sponsor, bought or get? (Hush! Fluffy might hear you!).

We are not animals and, surprise, dogs are not humans!  Do we really think dogs or goats know what words we use?  No, they don’t, but children do.

Words matter. A few weeks back I was at a restaurant with my older daughter. The waitress brought me my soup but forgot a spoon, so when she came over and asked how the soup was I said, “I don’t know you forgot to get me a spoon.”

She threw her head back, laughed and in a very loud voice exclaimed, “OH MY GOD I am soooooooooo RETARDED!!”

My daughter and I both sort of sat there in shock.  “Wow,” I thought, “What if my child had Down syndrome or some other cognitive disability and I was sitting there hearing that?”

The personal becomes the political. Here is a great article that was on NPR about this very subject, titled, “Rethinking Retarded: Should It Leave The Lexicon?” (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=112479383).

Read it, it will make you think.

I am not perfect; I put my foot in my mouth constantly. I don’t want to be one of those people that everyone has to be extra cautious around, or for people to think I am easily offended. I am not.  We all need to laugh at ourselves and the politically correct movement has gone over the top in many ways (which is why Borat was such an awesome film!).

I am not going to hold it against someone when they say, “Oh, look, its adoption day at the animal shelter” but I know, inside I will wince a little bit.  I guess what I am saying is: words count. What we say influences how we think and how others think. So just try and choose wisely, I know I will.

The personal is the political. 

A Letter To my Daughter’s Birth Mother

Two stories this past week have caught my eye, and have wreaked havoc on my heart. One from Guatemala about a toddler that was kidnapped from her mother, then left at an adoption agency, where she was placed with a family from the U.S.A  who adopted her.  This happened four years ago. The couple involved was not involved in the black market part of the adoption, they went through what they thought was all the right channels to adopt their daughter. Now a Guatemalan judge has ordered the now six year old to be returned to her biological mother.  (http://www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/groups/topic/Guatemala_Judge_Orders_US_Couple_to_Return_Child/)

Devastating for everyone.  As a mother I would go to the ends of the earth to find my child if he/she was kidnapped.  I can’t imagine the pain, the agony of losing a child.  However, as an adoptive parent I can’t imagine the other scenario either. Someone walking into my house and telling me to give up my daughter? Never.

The other similar story I just saw was featured on the Today Show and will air on Dateline tonight,

.  http://insidedateline.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/08/17/7397480-aug-19-a-fathers-fight-the-day-she-disappeared).

This young man was allegedly duped by attorneys and his girlfriend into giving up his infant daughter for adoption. She was placed with a family almost three years ago. The biological father has been fighting to get her back. Again, devastation for all involved. I am not sure I can watch it.

These types of stories aren’t new.  They surface every once in a while, and remain in the heart and mind of every adoptive parent, “What if…” There is no right answer here, nothing good will come out of these situations.  Everyone will end up hurt and damaged.

I have no answers for these people only tears. I look at my sweet girl, her chubby hands wrapped around her sister’s as they walk in the park, her sandy legs as she runs on the beach with her brothers, her tiny body snuggled in between me and my husband as we sleep.  What would I do?  My brain fills with fear and freezes. “Don’t go there,” it whispers. So I don’t. I hold her tight, I fill her with love, and I pray.

Letter to My Child’s Birth Mother:

I am not frightened of many things. I can swat a spider, stand in the middle of a thunderstorm and admire its beauty, I don’t believe in ghosts or superstitions, or think that the world is going to end tomorrow, but I do fear you. Your never-ending presence hovering in the background of my life. You are neither completely present nor ever far enough away.

In the beginning I did not fear you. I felt badly for you, envisioning you as a young, confused girl, unable to care for your child due to culture or poverty or death. It was easy to include you in conversations in my head. There was space for you then in my heart. But as my love for my child took shape and raced away on the wings of forever, the space for you in my heart became smaller, and harder, and unforgiving. We do not need you, I thought.

Perhaps if I had a face; a story to tell, something to make you more real; flaws to point out, blemishes to criticize, missteps to see, but there are none. I am left with a sense of ethereal perfection. A being I cannot challenge, cannot disparage. You will always be flawless, the ideal mother. I however can be touched, ridiculed, a backdrop for anger and disappointment. You are like a supreme spirit, faultless and unblemished by reality.

I can’t stand the ever-present veil of you. I want to exorcise you, banishing you forever with some secret, magical chant, but it would be pointless. You would seep back in, through the cracks of the windows, quiet, determined. I must somehow learn to accept you, to feel at peace with you.

I understand now for the first time the desire of parents to deny a child’s adoption. To deny the presence of you. To say, she is only ours, she never belonged elsewhere. I am told I should honor you, embrace you, hold you up on this pedestal of love and acceptance, but I struggle. What if? What if she loves you? What if she wants you? The pain will be too great. I couldn’t bear it.

I pretend to accept. I try to diminish you by being nonchalant, seemingly unaffected by your existence, but the shroud of self-deceit is thin. I dread the day she asks for you, the day she wants to find you. I understand the need to know, the desire to find out, but I fear it too. I know she needs knowledge, to ask questions, discover and explore. It hurts that I am not enough. It is the hurt that drives the fear, gives it strength. I want to be the one that makes her whole, but she is not complete without you.

I am a woman torn in half. The edges of my soul are jagged and sharp, ready to fight and protect. I do not want to speak of you, acknowledge your reality through voice. Like a warrior of yesteryear, I am ready to defend. She is mine. I love her. I care for her. I have nourished her soul, her essence. I will not allow you to have any part of her, no matter how small…and yet, how can I not? It is not mine to decide. You are a part of her already. Present from the start.

I will get there, do not despair. I am a mother. I will do what is right for her, as you did. As mothers do. I will say the words out loud while I work on them in my soul. I will open that space in my heart, little by little and let you back in. I will hold my breath and squeeze her hand and I will let go even as I hold on. For that is the job of mothers, those we know and those we do not. Those we see, touch, hurt and love and those we only dream of doing such things to. I hope that when the time comes, and she needs you, wants you, asks for you I have the strength and the grace to rise above the fear, as you did, and give her what she needs the most, a beginning. A place to start that complicated journey towards truth, knowledge and timeless love. I will give her a mother’s heart and soul to carry with her, and to come back to.

Anne Cavanaugh-Sawan, 2011

Five more minutes…..

How many times have you said to your kids, “Five more minutes, then we are going!”  We all give our kids these inane warnings, all the time.  Listen next time you are at the park,or a store, or a party and you can hear parents all around you warning their offspring, “Five more minutes!” Really, I think we are probably warning ourselves, and the other adults around us, with a polite “I am outta here.”  But then we run into an old friend, or start a conversation with new friends, settle down with just one more glass of wine and soon five minutes turns into 6, and then into 60. How are our kids ever going to learn the concept of time ? Here is a short story I wrote about this after I caught myself giving my kids their 100th warning that it was time to leave. Enjoy!

Five More Minutes!

“Kids! Five more minutes! We have to go!” Mom called downstairs.

Five minutes! Awww, what can we do in five minutes?

So… we had a fast, funky dance party,

and a lovely, little tea party ,

and a cool costume party with sparkly hats,

colorful feather boas,

and scary face masks.

“Children, five more minutes!”  Hollered Dad

So… we had silly potato sack races,

and tricky wheelbarrow races,

and a championship three-legged race.

“Hey Cuties, five more minutes!” Yelled Aunt Sue.

So… we watched a whole scary movie with the lights off,

and played crazy charades,

and finished an entire game of Monopoly.

“Yo, guys and gals! FIVE-MORE –MINUTES!” Bellowed Uncle Dave.

So… we played nine innings of baseball,

and nine innings of kickball and…

nine rounds of dodge ball…

“Oh, Sweeties, just five more minutes!” Sang out Grandma.

So… we made delicious cupcakes with pink and chocolate frosting,

and ice cream sundaes with whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles,

and had a very successful, neighborhood lemonade stand.

“Calling all you mad monkeys! Five more minutes!” Said Granddad.

So… we made a time machine from some nails, and sheets and

old wood we found in the back yard,

painted it all red and black,

and went back in time to slay a fierce, fire-breathing dragon.

“Come on! Five minutes are up! Time to go!” said Mom.

“But we aren’t done yet!”

“Okay, okay, five more minutes!”

“Awww, but what can we do in just five minutes?”

Anne Cavanaugh-Sawan, 2011.